August 9, 2006 4:18pm
Salutations, calendarphiles. I've
got an email here from a guy who's been fixated on a date -- and I'm not
talking about dinner for two at the Calabaza Grande (don't go
there, it was a complete famoozle!). Apparently he's been dreaming
about August 22, 2002 and rather than check himself into the local
mental asylum he decided to check with me, the internet's very own
calendar detective (not to mention the winner of last year's
Most Gorgeous Blogger Award as voted
by the blogger.com crowd - thankyou thankyou thankyou. Let's wait
to see what the inquiry says about this year's fiasco. Check
progress on the recount here.)
But business calls.
His name is Jape, which I think is just
the sweetest, and he wants to know the significance of August 22 2002.
Of course the first thing I noticed about Jape, apart from his gorgeous
name, was that he is a man in desperate need of a spellchecker.
It's such a tale for the times isn't it ladies?
I've entered the dates into my iMac as
well as sorted through the trusty archives lining my apartment which, as
everyone who reads this knows, used to have something of a view but is
now just arch-lever folders and A2 folios from floor to ceiling.
The things that came up right away were disasters, as usual, including a
125-year old dam bursting in India which killed ten people as well as
injuring the Assembly hero Taitaya. She broke her arm, but the
tough cookie kept soldiering on. I wonder how our Sanction heroes
would fare against a dam burst? I bet Major American would look
good in wet trunks. Anyway, the Indian heroes fared well enough.
Apparently all was well within 24 hours. Not a bad record.
Across in China the Dongting lake flooded the Yueyang area which kind of
happened in the middle of a major rain season resulting in a whole heap
of deaths across India, China, Nepal and Bangladesh. I guess if
Jape's having wet dreams this is the reason!
Our esteemed neighbor, Canada, had some
news on that day when Prime Minister Jean Chrétien announced he would
step down in February 2004. Bit of a yawn, really, but Jape might
be Canadian and some people get mondo-snitchy about politics.
Hey, speaking of snitchiness, the
following day on August 23 Hoyt Wilhelm died. He was a member of
the Baseball hall Of Fame, so maybe Jape is a baseball fan. Me, I
prefer football. There's something satisfying about watching big
men smack into each other that you just don't get in baseball. All
that hitting and running is so repetitive.
Anyway, my bet is that it's an
anniversary or something. Jape mentioned in his email that he and
his wife were having some trouble and that she wasn't answering his
phone calls any more. Hmm, I wonder if he forgot something special
on August 22nd? Or maybe that was his wedding day. Japey, I
need some more information. All I've got so far is a lot of water
activity in Asia and a sprinkling of superhero actions to go along with
it (mostly just the salvage and clean up stuff we don't really care
about). So unless you're weeping over Canadian politics or an
old-time baseballer, I need to know more.
I have archives of stuff here as well as
my pretty little iMac but we can only go on the information you provide.
So far I have a date. Usually that's enough, but maybe you need to
tell me more about the situation.
Betty replied August 9, 2006 10:10pm
If you look at the date as a series
of numbers you get: 08222002 or in European terms 22082002.
Does that rings any bells, Jape? Maybe a phone number or
part of a phone number? Actually the second number is very
close to the number my Nanna used to have when she lived in
St.Louis before she got kidnapped by that slimey limey from
Liverpool or Sheffield or whatever the place was called.
Haven't heard from her in months. Probably working in one
of those sleazy fish and chip joints with a fag in her mouth and
one of those ugly headscarves. Poor Nanna. So, Jape,
any link to a phone number?
Girl replied August 9, 2006 10:50pm
Atlantic Betty, you need to call me
about your Nanna. Given her disappearance with the British
hustler on March 29, 2006, I'm afraid I have some bad news.
Reply off-line, honey.
replied August 9, 2006 11:04pm
Ive read you messagfe but nothinhg
seems t make sense. I dont know the phone number you
mentioned and ive never been to china or even much farther than
new york. This all started when i went to the doctors
about some headaches i was having. evetrything was weird
but thats normal for me these days. when i left the foctor
gave me a note which told me to help his family and reina.
But the doctor isn't there anymore and i can't find reina.
She's my wife you know and i want her back. ploease youve
got to help me find her. i'll write out the message I got
soe it might help you
JApe pls help my family and
reina you have 1014 mos mappel
Thats the doctors name: dr M
replied August 9, 2006 11:23pm
Dude, you really need to see someone
about that dyslexia.
replied August 9, 2006 11:29pm
LOL - He's probably a newbie, leave
him alone MM.
replied August 9, 2006 11:46pm
You'll never believe this guys, but
I ran that doctor's name through Google and I am not shitting
you, it came up with this:
Doctor Matthias Appel -
deceased August 22, 2002.
It was reported in the
Associated Press. The doctor went missing but turned up
dead, all burnt up and stuff, and the authorities had to use
dental and genetic analysis to identify him. He was a
bigwig at the University of Vienna and the Numen-Kami Institute,
which is like the centre of the uberhuman universe, right?
Maybe this doctor was a mutant or something? Or he might
have been killed by mutants!
There's not much more written
about the guy after the 22nd but that's the European way, isn't
it? They don't tend to do much with their crime stuff.
But the Numen-Kami Institute has a history of missing persons,
like their boss Dr Saul Numen disappeared last year right?
Got sucked into a wormhole of something in Australia.
Maybe the Institute is sucking more people into wormholes??
Maybe this Jape guy is next!
Or maybe he was brainwashed by the Institute and ordered to make
the others disappear which is why he keeps remembering the date
when Dr Appel's body was found.
I'm good, aren't I?
This is a classic case of a
serial contract killer coming to grips with his heinous past.
Jape, my man, you are in for
some serious pain. I remember when i was little I
accidentally ran over my sister's hamster on my bike.
Messy business. But I tried to hide it and kind of stuck
it in a shoe box under the house. I was so annoyed when
our dog dragged it out again the next day and my sister was
bawling her eyes out and everything, but you know what, Jape?
I got over it. I didn't let it worry me for long.
It's not like she actually paid much attention to the thing when
it was alive, right?
Sure, I guess running over
your sister's hamster isn't the same as barbecuing a guy but I
think we might be kindred spirits, yeah?
Betty replied August 9, 2006 11:48pm
I thought you were serious Roger,
but then I remembered that time you thought Fidel Castro was
being replaced by an actor from Days Of Our Lives (read
the thread here). You
are such a nasty nasty boy, but we love you.
Keep messing with us Roge.
replied August 9, 2006 11:50pm
I've done some more research too,
Roger, and it's not looking good for Japey. Forget Betty's
gripe, I think you are on to something.
I've run the name through my
files and you're right. Dr Matthias Appel shouldn't be
seeing patients right now. For one thing he's not American
and I doubt he'd get authorisation from the AMA because he's a
dead man. And, yeah, the second reason he wouldn't be
seeing Jape is because he's dead.
There are a number of other
Matthias Appels, but none of them are medical doctors.
I don't know what's going on,
but if anyone has any ideas, now would be the time to speak up.
Maybe Jape's giving us an early April Fool's joke or we've
entered the retro-world of the X-Files. I soo love David
longer a member)
replied August 9, 2006 11:53pm
You had better be more careful on
the super information highway Jean Paul. You never know
who is reading this crap.
replied August 10, 2006 1:02am
whats thatsupposed to mean?
is it just me or has the world
gone madt? i need reina. She makes everything look
better. Plesae you have to give her back to me. Id
ont know what you want we her oir with me but I['ll do anything
you want just tell me where she is.
replied August 10, 2006 1:10am
Okay, this is not cool.
Someone is messing with the
administrative settings. Jape's been banned (little
problem) and my computer keeps flipping out (big problem!).
Did someone log on with a virus? If you did then you are
As for Jape's missing girl I
think we need to look at all the possibilities here. Jape
may not know how to type to save himself but I don't think he's
a complete nutto either. I want to help him. And I
think if we all pool our resources we might be able to get
I checked that Mysterioso
creep but it's a phantom. Used gmail to get a log on and
then vanished. We can assume that he'll be no help
whatsoever and if he's behind my computer malfunction then he'd
better not come back here in a hurry or I'll show him some
serious voodoo magic, if you know what I'm saying.
replied August 10, 2006 1:25am
Roger Roger has gone missing.
I was talking with him on
Skype and then it cut out. I tried the land line and the
answering machine picked up. Roger is never out of the
bloody house and it's not like he sleeps or anything - at least
not during the night time.
This is creeping me out.
I'm going around to his place now but just in case I don't come
back or get kidnapped or lobotomised or whatever, I just wanted
to let everyone know that something seriously fucked up is
MM checking out.
replied August 10, 2006 1:33am
Sorry for the crazy talk back
there. I think we all got a little-bitty over excited
didn't we? It's all a little embarrassing, really.
So I'm closing the thread,
taking a break.
Might even go south for some
sun before going back to school.
You see, my break-up with
Bobby last month really hurt. I know he's married but I
also know that I only ever felt safe in his arms and now I can't
be in them anymore I haven't really found a replacement.
I've been unbalanced. My advice has been as good as ever,
of course (I'm a professional) but I haven't been honest all the
Like with Jape.
There is no conspiracy.
The dates Roger and I came up with were fictitious. We
were having fun, and you know what happens when the Jolly Roger
and I play up. People get hurt. Like Jape.
So I'm sorry Jape, about
messing with your head. I'm sorry for everyone who had to
read this crap I've been spilling tonight but it's been a hard
month. I think some time off will do me good. Get
away from the computer, you know? Get some fresh air and
allow my natural gifts to rejuvenate after being rejected by
that two-timing hunk of a man.
And Jape, if you're out there
reading this. I think you need to see a psychiatrist, man.
It's not a bad thing, really. Most of the people I know
have one. It'll help you. Help you sort out your
mess with Reina who probably had good reasons to leave you, what
with the beatings and everything. I'm not blaming you,
Jape. I don't even know you, okay. But you can't
just hit a woman and expect her to love you all the more.
Get some help.
You asked whether it was just
you or whether the world had gone mad. Well, guess what
kiddo? It's just you.
Get a life.
And get off my blog.
has been locked by the administrator. Please contact Calendar
Girl if you have any questions regarding this decision.
Century's answer to Sherlock Holmes when it comes to dates and trivia,
only much more sexy, with heaps more friends and a real guy magnet (if
you know what I mean).
questions and romantic proposals to email@example.com
and I'll weave some of my magic.
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