August 9, 2006 4:18pm

Jape's Obsession

Salutations, calendarphiles.  I've got an email here from a guy who's been fixated on a date -- and I'm not talking about dinner for two at the Calabaza Grande (don't go there, it was a complete famoozle!).  Apparently he's been dreaming about August 22, 2002 and rather than check himself into the local mental asylum he decided to check with me, the internet's very own calendar detective (not to mention the winner of last year's Most Gorgeous Blogger Award as voted by the blogger.com crowd - thankyou thankyou thankyou.  Let's wait to see what the inquiry says about this year's fiasco.  Check progress on the recount here.)

But business calls.

His name is Jape, which I think is just the sweetest, and he wants to know the significance of August 22 2002.  Of course the first thing I noticed about Jape, apart from his gorgeous name, was that he is a man in desperate need of a spellchecker.  It's such a tale for the times isn't it ladies?

I've entered the dates into my iMac as well as sorted through the trusty archives lining my apartment which, as everyone who reads this knows, used to have something of a view but is now just arch-lever folders and A2 folios from floor to ceiling.  The things that came up right away were disasters, as usual, including a 125-year old dam bursting in India which killed ten people as well as injuring the Assembly hero Taitaya.  She broke her arm, but the tough cookie kept soldiering on.  I wonder how our Sanction heroes would fare against a dam burst?  I bet Major American would look good in wet trunks.  Anyway, the Indian heroes fared well enough.  Apparently all was well within 24 hours.  Not a bad record.  Across in China the Dongting lake flooded the Yueyang area which kind of happened in the middle of a major rain season resulting in a whole heap of deaths across India, China, Nepal and Bangladesh.  I guess if Jape's having wet dreams this is the reason!

Our esteemed neighbor, Canada, had some news on that day when Prime Minister Jean Chrétien announced he would step down in February 2004.  Bit of a yawn, really, but Jape might be Canadian and some people get mondo-snitchy about politics.

Hey, speaking of snitchiness, the following day on August 23 Hoyt Wilhelm died.  He was a member of the Baseball hall Of Fame, so maybe Jape is a baseball fan.  Me, I prefer football.  There's something satisfying about watching big men smack into each other that you just don't get in baseball.  All that hitting and running is so repetitive.

Anyway, my bet is that it's an anniversary or something.  Jape mentioned in his email that he and his wife were having some trouble and that she wasn't answering his phone calls any more.  Hmm, I wonder if he forgot something special on August 22nd?  Or maybe that was his wedding day.  Japey, I need some more information.  All I've got so far is a lot of water activity in Asia and a sprinkling of superhero actions to go along with it (mostly just the salvage and clean up stuff we don't really care about).  So unless you're weeping over Canadian politics or an old-time baseballer, I need to know more.

I have archives of stuff here as well as my pretty little iMac but we can only go on the information you provide.  So far I have a date.  Usually that's enough, but maybe you need to tell me more about the situation.

 

Atlantic Betty replied August 9, 2006 10:10pm

If you look at the date as a series of numbers you get: 08222002 or in European terms 22082002.  Does that rings any bells, Jape?  Maybe a phone number or part of a phone number?  Actually the second number is very close to the number my Nanna used to have when she lived in St.Louis before she got kidnapped by that slimey limey from Liverpool or Sheffield or whatever the place was called.  Haven't heard from her in months.  Probably working in one of those sleazy fish and chip joints with a fag in her mouth and one of those ugly headscarves.  Poor Nanna.  So, Jape, any link to a phone number?

 

Calendar Girl replied August 9, 2006 10:50pm

Atlantic Betty, you need to call me about your Nanna.  Given her disappearance with the British hustler on March 29, 2006, I'm afraid I have some bad news.  Reply off-line, honey.

 

Jape replied August 9, 2006 11:04pm

Ive read you messagfe but nothinhg seems t make sense.  I dont know the phone number you mentioned and ive never been to china or even much farther than new york.  This all started when i went to the doctors about some headaches i was having.  evetrything was weird but thats normal for me these days.  when i left the foctor gave me a note which told me to help his family and reina.  But the doctor isn't there anymore and i can't find reina.  She's my wife you know and i want her back.  ploease youve got to help me find her.  i'll write out the message I got soe it might help you

JApe pls help my family and reina you have 1014 mos mappel

Thats the doctors name: dr M Appel

 

MondoMan replied August 9, 2006 11:23pm

Dude, you really need to see someone about that dyslexia.

 

Sappho replied August 9, 2006 11:29pm

LOL - He's probably a newbie, leave him alone MM.

 

Roger Roger replied August 9, 2006 11:46pm

You'll never believe this guys, but I ran that doctor's name through Google and I am not shitting you, it came up with this:

Doctor Matthias Appel - deceased August 22, 2002.

It was reported in the Associated Press.  The doctor went missing but turned up dead, all burnt up and stuff, and the authorities had to use dental and genetic analysis to identify him.  He was a bigwig at the University of Vienna and the Numen-Kami Institute, which is like the centre of the uberhuman universe, right?  Maybe this doctor was a mutant or something?  Or he might have been killed by mutants!

There's not much more written about the guy after the 22nd but that's the European way, isn't it?  They don't tend to do much with their crime stuff.  But the Numen-Kami Institute has a history of missing persons, like their boss Dr Saul Numen disappeared last year right?  Got sucked into a wormhole of something in Australia.  Maybe the Institute is sucking more people into wormholes??

Maybe this Jape guy is next!  Or maybe he was brainwashed by the Institute and ordered to make the others disappear which is why he keeps remembering the date when Dr Appel's body was found.

Hey?

I'm good, aren't I?

This is a classic case of a serial contract killer coming to grips with his heinous past.

Jape, my man, you are in for some serious pain.  I remember when i was little I accidentally ran over my sister's hamster on my bike.  Messy business.  But I tried to hide it and kind of stuck it in a shoe box under the house.  I was so annoyed when our dog dragged it out again the next day and my sister was bawling her eyes out and everything, but you know what, Jape?  I got over it.  I didn't let it worry me for long.  It's not like she actually paid much attention to the thing when it was alive, right?

Sure, I guess running over your sister's hamster isn't the same as barbecuing a guy but I think we might be kindred spirits, yeah?

Rock on!

 

Atlantic Betty replied August 9, 2006 11:48pm

I thought you were serious Roger, but then I remembered that time you thought Fidel Castro was being replaced by an actor from Days Of Our Lives (read the thread here).  You are such a nasty nasty boy, but we love you.

Keep messing with us Roge.

 

Calendar Girl replied August 9, 2006 11:50pm

I've done some more research too, Roger, and it's not looking good for Japey.  Forget Betty's gripe, I think you are on to something.

I've run the name through my files and you're right.  Dr Matthias Appel shouldn't be seeing patients right now.  For one thing he's not American and I doubt he'd get authorisation from the AMA because he's a dead man.  And, yeah, the second reason he wouldn't be seeing Jape is because he's dead.

There are a number of other Matthias Appels, but none of them are medical doctors.

I don't know what's going on, but if anyone has any ideas, now would be the time to speak up.  Maybe Jape's giving us an early April Fool's joke or we've entered the retro-world of the X-Files.  I soo love David Duchovny.

 

Mysterioso (no longer a member) replied August 9, 2006 11:53pm

You had better be more careful on the super information highway Jean Paul.  You never know who is reading this crap.

 

Jape replied August 10, 2006 1:02am

whats thatsupposed to mean?

is it just me or has the world gone madt?  i need reina.  She makes everything look better.  Plesae you have to give her back to me.  Id ont know what you want we her oir with me but I['ll do anything you want just tell me where she is.

Please.

 

Calendar Girl replied August 10, 2006 1:10am

Okay, this is not cool.

Someone is messing with the administrative settings.  Jape's been banned (little problem) and my computer keeps flipping out (big problem!).  Did someone log on with a virus?  If you did then you are seriously dead.

As for Jape's missing girl I think we need to look at all the possibilities here.  Jape may not know how to type to save himself but I don't think he's a complete nutto either.  I want to help him.  And I think if we all pool our resources we might be able to get somewhere.

I checked that Mysterioso creep but it's a phantom.  Used gmail to get a log on and then vanished.  We can assume that he'll be no help whatsoever and if he's behind my computer malfunction then he'd better not come back here in a hurry or I'll show him some serious voodoo magic, if you know what I'm saying.

 

MondoMan replied August 10, 2006 1:25am

Roger Roger has gone missing.

I was talking with him on Skype and then it cut out.  I tried the land line and the answering machine picked up.  Roger is never out of the bloody house and it's not like he sleeps or anything - at least not during the night time.

This is creeping me out.  I'm going around to his place now but just in case I don't come back or get kidnapped or lobotomised or whatever, I just wanted to let everyone know that something seriously fucked up is happening.

MM checking out.

 

Calendar Girl replied August 10, 2006 1:33am

Hi calendarphiles.

Sorry for the crazy talk back there.  I think we all got a little-bitty over excited didn't we?  It's all a little embarrassing, really.

So I'm closing the thread, taking a break.

Might even go south for some sun before going back to school.

You see, my break-up with Bobby last month really hurt.  I know he's married but I also know that I only ever felt safe in his arms and now I can't be in them anymore I haven't really found a replacement.  I've been unbalanced.  My advice has been as good as ever, of course (I'm a professional) but I haven't been honest all the time.

Like with Jape.

There is no conspiracy.  The dates Roger and I came up with were fictitious.  We were having fun, and you know what happens when the Jolly Roger and I play up.  People get hurt.  Like Jape.

So I'm sorry Jape, about messing with your head.  I'm sorry for everyone who had to read this crap I've been spilling tonight but it's been a hard month.  I think some time off will do me good.  Get away from the computer, you know?  Get some fresh air and allow my natural gifts to rejuvenate after being rejected by that two-timing hunk of a man.

And Jape, if you're out there reading this.  I think you need to see a psychiatrist, man.  It's not a bad thing, really.  Most of the people I know have one.  It'll help you.  Help you sort out your mess with Reina who probably had good reasons to leave you, what with the beatings and everything.  I'm not blaming you, Jape.  I don't even know you, okay.  But you can't just hit a woman and expect her to love you all the more.  Get some help.

You asked whether it was just you or whether the world had gone mad.  Well, guess what kiddo?  It's just you.

Get a life.

And get off my blog.

 

This thread has been locked by the administrator.  Please contact Calendar Girl if you have any questions regarding this decision.

 

 

Miss Calendar

http://www.calendargirl.blogspot.com

The 21st Century's answer to Sherlock Holmes when it comes to dates and trivia, only much more sexy, with heaps more friends and a real guy magnet (if you know what I mean).

Send your questions and romantic proposals to calendargirl@gmail.com and I'll weave some of my magic.

 

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